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1. |
Theresa, May I?
02:26
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A candlelit dinner for two
Your eyes a deep Tory blue
I touch your cheek
Then softly I speak
Three little words to you...
"Theresa, May I?"
I drive you back to your place
Then stare at your jowelly old face
Filled with romance
I throw you a glance
And whisper as we softly embrace...
"Theresa, May I?"
My lust can't be denied, no you can't dispute my ardour
But I must come inside so you can snoop on my charter
Or will you end this evening? If you will, I'll respect it.
Or would you like to know the meaning of a filthy hard brexit?
I don't think you will mind.
'Cos Brexit still means Brexit when it's done from behind
But before I flip you over
We'll snuggle up on the sofa
'Cos we're in no great rush
So stick on some Kate Bush
And I'll ask you before we Babooshka...
"Theresa, May I?"
My desire grows bigger, my heart beats swiftly
It's time for you to trigger my article fifty
So let's go into your bedroom where you always want some
And soon you will be sitting on my Boris Johnson
Theresa, May I? Theresa, May I?
I have to say...
"I think Theresa I may"
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2. |
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Donald Trump has got a massive penis
Everyone who's seen it understands
The presidential schlong Is evidently long
Yes, his dick is almost as big as one of his hands
On those rare occasions it expands
Donald Trump's Johnson is really huge
You could only fit 200 of them in a Pringle's tube
He can proudly boast of having the biggest of tools
Comprising of almost 56 molecules
It really sucks when your trouser snake's far from petit
Coz it obstructs causing spelling mistakes every time you try to tweet
COVFEFE
I wonder maybe if the First Lady with her Husband's large meat finds it hard to cope
Coz when it is excited She can sometimes find it Without the need for her microscope
I'm amazed she doesn't hate it
On those days she can locate it
Donald Trump has got a massive penis
Everyone who's seen it rightly knows
The Commander in Chief
Is packing some beef
Yes, his dick is almost as big as one of his toes
On those rare occasions that it grows
Can you imagine what would happen if his manhood was small?
He'd need to substitute it with a 50 foot wall
To stop all those migrants from getting in
Yes, he'd be jealous of all those well hung Mexicans
Can you picture Trump's anger
If his dick were a shrunken dangler?
He'd try to hush it up or plainly deny it
Like he does with Russia and the changing climate
It is no mystery
That throughout history
U.S. leaders' weiners have rarely been small
They've mostly stood proud
And been well endowed
Except for George Bush Jnr
Who had no penis at all
Just like his father
And Jimmy Carter had a teeny chipolata
What has it taught us? He's got his supporters Who clearly like a big dick when it comes to elections
Coz it impresses those Against gun controls But everybody knows that lot cannot get erections
Without exception hence their disaffection
Donald Trump has got a massive penis
Everyone who's seen it swears it's true
It's well understood
He's packing some wood
Yes, his dick is almost as big as his IQ
On those rare occasions it's in view
Some wrongly surmise he's hung like a gerbil
But his dong's twice the size of Angela Merkel's
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3. |
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Only fools vote for Jeremy Corbyn
Complete tools are those that do support him
They are so misguided
Let us just dismiss them
For who in their right mind
Would want a better fairer system?
Only fools
JC
Hopes that every terrorist
Will make it up to heaven
And there are those who still insist
He orchestrated nine eleven
He's said all along
Al Qaeda is amazing
Ok I could be wrong
And I may be paraphrasing
Jeremy Cor-Bin Laden
He will think twice about a nuclear strike
And rightly he is rebuked and mocked for this
I can't understand who would vote for a man who does not like
The idea of a nuclear apocalypse
Imagine the fireworks
Only fools vote for Jeremy Corbyn
He wants better schools but how will he afford them
Through taxation he'll bleed
Every corporation
When we all concede that corporate greed
Is better than education
Of course it is
And I'm with Amazon Prime such a benevolent organisation
This Corbyn guy's not frugal
So only has scant savings
That's why he is so brutal
On those who use tax havens
But we need the super rich coz they make us wealthy too
It's called trickle down economics and it's been proved to be untrue
But I'll still say it
He wants to invest in the NHS because he wrongly believes
Privatisation makes things worse
But it will greatly improved the care every patient receives
If doctors were to put profits first
And I have shares in BUPA
Only fools vote for Jeremy Corbyn
There's established rules, you can't simply ignore them
The media sets the agenda
It's the way it's always been done
Then we unwittingly surrender
Our brains to The Sun
And The Daily Mail
Let the impartial Beeb
Tell us what to believe
See, there is no media bias
They just report the facts
That's why they're justified
In personal Corbyn attacks
We don't need no mugwump who speaks in simple language
We need a leader who knows how to eat a bacon sandwich
With much decorum
As I understand every Corbyn fan
Thinks there is no stupider cock
Than that craggy faced old businessman
The media mogul Rupert Murdoch
I'm chuffed with that rhyme
Only fools vote for Jeremy Corbyn
Like nerds in cagoules they're really rather boring
I want a party leader who only pretends to care
Like Nigel Farage, Theresa May and Tony Blair
Remember him?
He was God's lackey
Who loved to kill Iraqis
Here is my suggestion
Ask yourself this question
Is a society reliant on food banks cruel?
If you answer yes you're a fool.
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4. |
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You vote you country in
You country out
Racist accusations then get bandied about
I only want my country back and sod the EU
Is there anything wrong with that?
Yes!
Firstly, it is not your country
It's where your mum and dad had hanky panky
And borders are a man-made construct
And you've succumbed to neural tribalistic tendencies
The refugees come in
You want them out
Write it all in capitals so you appear to shout
Don't use punctuation, add some spelling mistakes
And this is what you say to me...
Oi! Shut up you stupid lefty
Why must everything be PC?
Human rights are just for sissies
Now here's a photograph of my Staffordshire Bull
Well, the news goes in
Bile comes out
Read the Daily Mail, do not question or doubt
But they will sell more papers if you're angry and scared
So blame it on the sick and poor
But try and put things in perspective
We're a quantum wave of probabilistic outcomes
Meanwhile, the Cosmos is expanding
So pop to the shops and buy a bunch of stuff
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5. |
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We need a S&S leader who refuses to debate
We need S&S tabloids spreading S&S hate
We need a S&S government with S&S backing
From energy corporations and their S&S fracking
For those with benefit sanctions we need S&S hearses
We need S&S food banks for our S&S nurses
We need S&S contracts to sell S&S arms
To S&S countries with no S&S qualms
Like the S&S Saudis who force girls into weddings
And their S&S rulers who allow public beheadings
We need a S&S leader for a S&S nation
We need S&S bigotry to combat immigration
We need S&S MPs with their S&S skills
For their S&S 2nd jobs so they can pay the bills
We need S&S teachers whose voices are ignored
We need S&S elections to commit S&S fraud
We need S&S ministers like that Justine Greening
To spout S&S soundbites devoid of any meaning
We need Jeremy Hunt to shift S&S blame
To describe him, we need rhyming with his S&S name
Cuntinue in a similar vein...
We need a S&S leader who makes no S&S sense
To stop the refugees we need a S&S fence
We need S&S apathy when average wages slump
We need a special relationship with S&S Trump
We need Theresa May to be stable, to be strong
To do S&S U-turns when she knows she's in the wrong
We need S&S men like that S&S Gove
Whose hand was S&S in the moment that he drove
His S&S knife into the S&S back
Of S&S Boris in a S&S act
Of betrayal
But he still failed
Coz all the members of the Tory party know
Michael Gove's a S&S arsehole
S&S S&S
The more Theresa says it, the more she is unable
To convey humanity, yet I am assuming
That in any way Theresa May is a human
She's more like a robot, a S&S one at least
But under S&S hair she hides the mark of the beast
She's certainly S&S when it comes to doublespeak
Coz like the Tower of Babel, she is wobbly and weak
She's wobbly and weak
She's wobbly and weak
Like an 80 tonne jelly
Wobbly and weak
Like David Cameron in his wellies
Wobbly and weak
Like Boris Johnson's big fat belly
She is wobbly and weak
Vote for the Tories
And wreck the NHS
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6. |
Donald Trumpety Trump
01:40
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USA
How will you vote today?
It seems to me that the Land of the Free
May soon be in disarray
This contest
Is making me quite depressed
It beggars belief the Commander in Chief
May very well be a sex pest
Millions of Yankees lost their minds and said goodbye to their conscience
Off they vote for a Trumpety Trump Trump Trump Trump
The choice that they face with these two candidates well I'm hardly surprised by this nonsense
An adulterer's wife and a man who's pro-life and a misogynistic chump
The rest of the world are watching while America implodes
But we're not forgetting, we face armageddon if Trump gets the nuclear codes
Please beware
Of this multi-millionaire
He displays all the traits of a narcissist
But nobody seems to care
All the while
His zealots are in denial
You have to admit there's
A likeness to Hitler
But minus the lovely hairstyle
He's got a plan for the working man yet outsources his work to China
He's not a hero like Robert De Niro who want's to give him a thump
Women why vote for an odious bloke who will forcefully grab your vagina?
He's a cheat, he's a cad
And i know Clinton's bad
But at least she's not Donald Trump
She's awful but she's not Donald Trump
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7. |
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There is something that I hate admitting
But there's a dumb thing happening in Great Britain
And it truly confounds when I think it through
For what was wrong is now right
What was black is now white
The world's turned upside down and I don't know what to do
'Cos even foxes are all voting Tory
It is surely so masochistic
Like those turkeys voting for Christmas
Even foxes are all voting Tory
It would seem the animal kingdom
Can fall victim to Stockholm Syndrome
This act of self-harm
Fills me with alarm
I can't begin to work it out
What the fox this all about?
It's like the lactose intolerant voting for cheese
Voting for nuts when you've nut allergies
Or Katie Hopkins voting for some refugees
This
Shouldn't happen
It's an analogy for the working classes
All voting Tory in their masses
When all the Tories do is shaft them right up their asses
And piss
Themselves laughing
Or we all fools who don't realise it?
Don't we have the tools to analyse it?
A vote against self-interest
Is clearly bad
Is it the media who have cajoled us?
Do we believe the lies they've sold us?
Now the world's in a mess
And everyone has gone mad
'Cos even foxes are all voting Tory
It's so tragic they won't do themselves a favour
But I've heard even badgers refuse to vote Labour
Even foxes are all voting Tory
Are they thoughtless or do they ignore facts?
Or like to be slaughtered by posh twats on horseback?
When you vote for what hurts you
Rationale deserts you
But deep down you must know that it's wrong
What the fox going on?
Elephants hate the Ivory trade.
But they will still vote for Theresa May
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8. |
Thatcher
00:19
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Thatcher
I'm sorry you're dead
So sorry you're dead
Margaret Thatcher, so sorry you're dead
Because I wanted to kill you!
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9. |
The Jacob Rees Mogg Song
03:42
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There's a top story
About a posh Tory
Who says that he'd rather
Each lady kept their baby
'Coz he is pro-life
He thinks abortion ain't right
Even when the father
Is maybe kinda rapey
So, surrender your wombs
Don't pretend to assume
You can do what you choose with your fallopian tubes
But hang on a tic
Is this even news?
A catholic
With Catholic views
Jacob Rees Mogg
Says that all life is sacred
But the way that he votes he conveys someone mostly
Motivated by hatred
Jacob Rees Mogg
Why do so many revile him?
God's love h can find for the whole of mankind
Except for those seeking asylum
Oh yeah
So wake up because
Jacob Rees Mogg
May seem like a harmless
And adorable bit of a twity
But his voting reveals he
Is a bloke who is really
Extremely charmless
And a deplorable hypocrite
Check out his voting record on theyworkforyou.com
To see the true cloth that he's cut from
I can't imagine Jesus offering salvation
To those against homes fit for human habitation
Jacob Rees Mogg
Thinks gay people should not wed
'Coz he has got a bible he thinks he is entitled
To act like a bigoted nobhead
Jacob Rees Mogg
Extols the virtues of Jesus
But he don't give a damn for the working man
Unless the working man is a foetus
Oh yeah
He's a chap who soberly
Clutches at his rosary
It seems to me he wants to oversee
Every lady's ovaries
Jacob Rees Mogg
Thinks we're all God's creation
But don't let him fool ya
With his hallejulah
'Coz clearly he is working for Satan
Jacob Rees Mogg
It's hard to think that his God's existing
'Coz he don't give two wanks about the amount of food banks
In fact, he finds their increase 'uplifting'
Jacob Rees Mogg
His voting enabled
Cuts for the disabled
Which caused untold fatalities
So fuck you Jacob Rees Mogg
And your Christian morality
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10. |
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It's Christmas Eve
The children sleep
Poor parents grieve
Poor parents weep
Santa has been sacked
And stripped of his powers
He refused to sign his contract
Because it's zero hours
And for Rudolph's nasal affliction
The vet bills can't be met
And Santa Claus faces eviction
Now his grotto is buy to let
But let's not fret
CHORUS:
Coz we're gonna have a Tory Christmas
We'll give each other stocks and shares
And it's a good thing
There's only room at the inn
For tax-dodging millionaires
We're gonna have ourselves a Tory Christmas
Austerity Nativities
But forget the three wise men
We won't let them in
Coz clearly they are refugees
VERSE 2
It's Christmas morning
A full stocking hangs
While queues are forming
Outside food banks
We'll use old copies of the Daily Mail
To wrap up all of our gifts
And this Christmas time the NHS will fail
As doctors work triple shifts
And Jeremy Hunt won't intervene
He's laughing 'Ho Ho Ho'
And outside the window there's a winter scene
With the homeless all covered in snow
So, ding dong miserably on low
CHORUS
Coz we're gonna have a Tory Christmas
With cutbacks at Yuletide
They've got us by the knackers
So when you pull your crackers
Expect them to be empty inside
We're gonnna have a Tory Christmas
Where The Poor are just like The Lord
Coz they may be in danger
Of sleeping in a manger
Coz that is all that they can afford
MIDDLE
Theresa May sells
Sleigh Bells
Now she's realised
If it's good for business
Then surely every Christmas
Would be better if it's privatised
And if you don't agree you're demonised
CHORUS
We're gonna have a Tory Christmas
Good will to a privileged few
But we'll get the dreaded lurgy
If we eat the Brexit turkey
Coz the meat is red, white and blue
We're gonna have a Tory Christmas
Where we'll only give gifts to ourselves
And Michael Gove for a change
Won't look so strange
Coz he resembles one of Santa's elves
We're gonna have a Tory Christmas
Osborne's snorting snow
And David Cameron
Will take some ham and bacon
To kiss under the mistletoe
He's got a pig wrapped in a blanket
And I think he's gonna kiss it
Under the mistletoe
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11. |
The Torypede
03:10
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Who's this walking down the street?
It's the last person i expected to meet
Surprisingly, approaching me
It's the Education Secretary
Michael Gove
It's Michael Gove
So what do I do? What do I say?
Do I bite my lip and look the other way?
I chose to do a service for my fellow man
I knocked out the twat and i threw him in the back of my van.
'Coz I have a plan
I then did proceed
To re-enact the movie...
The Human Centipede
At the front looking all forlorn
I'm going to put George Osborne
Behind him in the central role
The aforementioned Michael Gove
So who do I have to bring up the rear
To be wrought with anguish, stricken by fear
There is only one I want to see this way
I'll surgically attach Theresa May
Theresa May - you're not getting fatter
Feast on Michael's fecal matter
The Torypede is what's in store
It's a vengeful metaphor
For all of the shit the Tories put our way
And shove down our throats every second of every day
When they all die invariably
With taxidermy I will stuff all three
With no money spent and it will be
The perfect gift for the queen's jubilee
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Barnaby Griffin London, UK
I write short silly songs and satirical songs. I also have a collection of sad love ballads that are neither silly, short or satirical. In addition, I have a number of instrumentals that are neither silly, short, satirical or sad. There must be something in this mismatch that you find appealing, no? ... more
